The High Cost of Obedience
I have never really struggled with following the rules. I was a pretty compliant child and preteen. When I became a teenager, I found it hard to adhere to my curfew, but since I became a believer at 14, if I found myself being tempted to disobey a school or home rule, I normally chose to obey because I wanted to please my parents, teachers and God and didn’t want to deal with a negative consequence.
Choosing to obey God, and in turn those in authority, often costs me friends, social event invites and at a very pivotal time in my life, would end up costing me what I expected my future to be.
The longer I was a believer, the easier it became for me to justify certain words and actions. If I wasn’t as bad as someone else, even if what I was doing was wrong, I would justify my actions. If I was still publicly attending church, Bible study and weekly visitation and praying before meals and doing daily devotions, I would allow myself to secretly engage in sinful behaviors. Those behaviors led to discipline and consequences. When those consequences came, I had another choice to make. Would I now choose to obey, or would I continue to justify my wrong decisions?
When I walked into the pregnancy clinic I was scared. I had just graduated two months prior from a local Christian high school. I was the valedictorian and the recipient of the Christian character award. Two weeks prior I broke off my engagement with my high school sweetheart of 2 years. I didn’t expect to find myself in the clinic watching a video on the miracle of life. Once the results confirmed my pregnancy, I numbly left the clinic and went to the store to buy a home pregnancy test. I held the test in my hand and blinked hoping to only see one line, but there were indeed two lines. I whispered, “I cannot have this baby.” If I decided to carry and parent this baby, I would no longer be able to justify or hid my sinful lifestyle. Did anyone really have to know?
I didn’t want to call my ex fiancé, let alone tell my parents, but I called him at work and asked him to come see me. He was confused since we had broken off our engagement and was hesitant to see me. “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone.”, I paused, “I’m pregnant.” I didn’t want him to try to change the situation or fix the circumstances, but I knew telling him was the right thing to do.
I knew ending our relationship was the right thing to do when I realized we were spiritually incompatible. Our views on God, church, spirituality and life in general were very different. It was hard to obey what I knew was right in God’s eyes and I had lost friends and what I thought my future was going to be. Being obedient cost me a lot and now that I was pregnant none of that had changed. I knew that obeying what I felt the Lord was calling me to do would also come at a high cost.
Being a single mother for 9 years was hard. I had to miss social events to study and complete my degree. I had to work and often missed my son’s “firsts” – first word, first steps. It wasn’t easy putting my own wants and desires aside to be able to provide for my son. But, being obedient in my quest for a degree and working hard allowed me to obtain an education degree and provide a home, vehicle, clothes and food for me and my son.
Walking in purity as a single mother cost me first and second dates. Leaving a legalistic church for freedom in my relationship with Christ cost me the only church family I had ever known, my friends and my reputation. Breaking off another engagement cost me years of questioning what God’s plan and purpose for me was and if He would ever allow me to have a husband and a family.
Obeying the Spirit’s gentle prodding to email the young man I had just met made me anxious and nervous, but I knew that God was orchestrating something miraculous from a chance online meeting.
Hitting send set in motion an amazingly unbelievable love story that cost me as much as it did save me.
Obedience meant living 1300 miles away from the only place I had ever called home. Obedience meant two more children to raise. Obedience meant broken promises and hard decisions. Obedience meant dividing a family again to return home to watch my grandmother die.
Obedience always comes at a cost. And the cost is always high, but the rewards are incredible.
My oldest son has given my husband and I some of the biggest heartache we have experienced, but he has also given us two amazing grandchildren.
I made amazing lifelong friends while living in Texas that I did not want to leave when we moved back to MD.
I spent a month with my grandmother, caring for her and growing spiritually closer to her before she passed away.
Our youngest children have blossomed through adversity and are two of our greatest accomplishments and joys.
Even though, I have lost much in my life as I have walked obediently with Jesus, I have also gained more than I ever thought I would – a faithful husband, awesome children, wonderful grandchildren and daily blessings to encourage me to continue on in my obedience and relationship with Jesus.