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Growing Pains

I had a significant growth spurt when I was about 12 or 13. Specifically, I remember going through the growth spurt because I can remember a significant amount of pain from growing. When I would lay down at night, my legs would ache, but there was nothing I could do. It was downright awful, yet ultimately I grew much taller than my family. 

There are a lot of things in life that require us to go through pain while we grow.

Like athletics or exercise, for example. You work out. You get sore. You run. You get tired. Soreness and fatigue are necessary in order to improve. And no matter how much stretching, medicating, and replenishing you try, there will still be pain. 

But what happens when you need spiritual growth?

In my experience, I’ve needed great pain to grow spiritually as well. It’s been the biggest difference in my walk with God. In the Bible, Romans tells us suffering can produce in us the things that signify spiritual growth.

Romans 5:3-5 – Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

 

Suffering—not just pain—suffering.

I’ve had my fair share of it over the last year. And the majority of it started with my own mistakes.

I’ve been alone. Nearly homeless. Unemployed. And did I mention alone?

I know now that it’s part of God’s design because without those hard times I would have continued of the path of doing the things that caused my trials.

Because I hit rock bottom – having no job, losing my wife, and having nowhere to live – I had very few options. To be honest, I could have chosen to continue a life of debauchery, I could give up, and I even thought of suicide for a long time. I faced dark times when all I wanted was to fall asleep and not wake up in the hell I was living in. Depression and anxiety were taking on whole new and personal meanings for me.

Instead, I held on to life. I found new faith in Christ. Admittedly, that didn’t fix everything, but somehow, I’m still standing. I’m still fighting and climbing out of valleys to get to the other side of my canyon. I learned that community with other Christians and vulnerability were not only beneficial, but for me they were life-changing and saving. My spiritual growth then, and even now, is taking me to places I had long ignored in my life.

My growing “pains” were very literal in nature. I was suffering. Undoubtedly. And all I could do was hope for something more, something better. And I grew into a Christian community that I wouldn’t change for anything. It’s a foundation that breathed life into the death I was walking in for many days.

If it weren’t for the hardest of times, I wouldn’t have been made aware of how much I need God. The people around me have blessed me and taught me that life is tough, but we serve a God who gives us all the tools to not only survive, but to thrive.

My hope now is to make it to other side of my canyon and use my growing to help others who are in need and who are suffering. I believe that was a call from God early on. The struggles that I was facing then and now are going to happen to someone else who needs Jesus just as much as I did – and still do.

Dealing with Unmet Expectations

It has been said that comparison is the thief of joy. If that is true, then expectations are the root of all heartache. Whether they are unmet, unrealistic, or ungodly, they can break a heart fixed on how things appear and on what others think. Forgetting that the only expectations that matter are God’s can cause unnecessary sorrow and heartache. This has been a recurring part of our journey as a blended family.

I never expected to meet someone online in a chat room. I never expected to whisper, “I’m going marry that man!” after just talking to him for a few hours. I never expected to be married one year and 11 days after being introduced to him for the first time. I never expected to marry a man who was divorced with two children. But, God had other plans. His plan was unexpected, but that is how He operates. We were so blown away by His providence and provision.

I did expect to be nervous on my wedding day. But, I wasn’t. I had a peace that only God gives when you are in the midst of His plan. I expected there to be bumps along the road to our happily ever after. Discontinued bridesmaids’ dresses, rain the night before our outdoor wedding, and an argumentative matron of honor tried to thwart our special day. I expected many adjustments to becoming a family of five and to suddenly being a momma to three instead of one. And a momma to a girl? I couldn’t even braid hair! I even expected to miss my family after moving 1300 miles away.

We expected our new lives together to be hard, but things seemed to fall into place easily for us. The children asked to call us Mom and Dad before we crossed the Maryland state line on our way to our new home in Texas. They referred to each other as siblings without the step prefix. Family meals, family devotions, church, youth group - all of it fell into place quickly and seamlessly. Every morning started out with hot breakfasts, ironed clothes, devotions and walks to school. Our days ended with prayers and kisses goodnight. Even in the hard, what I had expected to be difficult wasn’t. I expected to be the wife that helped my husband lose weight, be successful, and be fulfilled. I expected to be the mom that fixed breakfast and packed lunches every day, picked them up from school and fed them healthy snacks while helping with their homework as dinner cooked. In all appearances, we were crushing the blended family stigma, but deep inside wounds had not healed and more were being made.

We knew we wanted to have at least one child together and I got pregnant the month after our first anniversary. When we shared the news with my in-laws they were overjoyed--until they weren’t. They expressed to us how unfit we were as parents; how obvious it was that we favored one child over the others and how irresponsible we were for having a child together. I was shocked, hurt and angry. I didn’t expect that. Thankfully, apologies were quickly made, and forgiveness was extended, but the wounds were there, and the healing was slow. I expected their support and enthusiasm but received judgment and disdain. I suffered postpartum depression after our daughter was born and I didn’t want anyone to know. It would solidify the things my in-laws had said and would worry my mother who was 1300 miles away from me.

I was able to get the medication and support I needed from my doctor, so when I found out that I was expecting just as our daughter turned 1 ½, I was cautiously excited. My husband had wanted to have another child and wanted a boy, so he was not surprised. We knew it would be challenging adding another child to our family during the time of transition to middle school for our oldest son and daughter, but we expected to see continued academic, emotional and spiritual growth.

Instead things started to fall apart - failing grades, stealing, lying and parties with alcohol and sex. Something else we didn’t expect. When we made the hard decision to move back to Maryland we encountered teen pregnancy, drugs, our oldest son running away, dropping out of school, probation and incarceration and continued premarital sex. Our middle son was diagnosed with ADD and ODD as our youngest son started speech therapy and our youngest daughter struggled with obesity. All of that was followed by several months of unemployment for my husband and major depression for me.

Our blended family was nothing like I expected.

I wasn’t the wife or mother I thought I could be. Our older children had become the blended family stereotype. We were not just a broken family, we were shattered. I was heartbroken. During all of this, I struggled with believing that God’s hand was in any of it, but He was not surprised by anything that had happened. He was there through all of it. I was just looking in the wrong place. I strove for perfection in a dysfunctional family. Blindly in love and naive in everything a blended family entailed.

My expectations had been unrealistic and ungodly.

There was no way I was going to erase the years of hurt and brokenness with hot breakfasts and bedtime stories. Even though I thought of my stepchildren as my own there was still the very present influence of their biological mother and stepfather. After a weekend or vacation at their mother’s house, we had to reinstate our rules and expectations. I was so concerned with what others thought of our family and how we looked more so than what heart changes were taking place. God looks on the heart, 1 Samuel 16:7 tells us, not on outward appearances.

By outward appearances we were a storybook family, but the heart issues were deeper and were not being resolved. I was not praying for help or for heart change for me, my husband or my children. I wasn’t as much concerned about God’s will as I was with what I felt was best for my family.

I wanted God to bless my expectations instead of seeking His purpose and plan.

Thankfully, God is gracious and merciful.

Even when I was looking to myself for answers and strength, God was guiding and blessing. Our oldest daughter placed her son with an adoptive family answering their desire for a child. Our oldest son blessed us with two amazing grandchildren. Our youngest daughter and son are excelling in school and in their talents, allowing us to see God’s promise after the rain.

Even though I had chosen to allow my expectations to override what God had expected of me as a wife and mother and for us as a blended family, God was patiently waiting for me to turn to Him, give up my expectations of how things should be and lean into what He has for us as a blended family. It has not been easy, but when I daily align my plan with His, He exceeds all my expectations.

Finally Stepping into the Water

 

If you look in my jewelry armoire you will find a several cross necklaces. Within that grouping, the crosses vary in size and shape. However there is one special cross. It is small simple silver cross with a thin delicate chain. It means so much more to me than just representing the sacrifice of Jesus; it represents new life, and I wear it often to remind myself.

I stood on stage on a recent Sunday morning as part of the worship team at Severn Run during a celebration of Baptism. I found myself observing a line of people anxiously and nervously waiting for their turn to step into the baptism tub. I was surprised to find my own emotions welling up inside me. The line included adults, children and teens. Each was clad in the church t-shirt depicting new life. As they passed through the tub, each proclaimed who Christ was to them. Words like friend, Savior, mentor and love described the relationships these people shared with Jesus.

As I watched and cheered with the rest of the congregation, tears began to form in the corners of my eyes and they could not be prevented from running down my cheeks. I couldn’t quite understand these feelings of joy for each person being dipped in the water and lifted to new life.

I thought back to the summer of 2004 and my own baptism experience. I had been “baby baptized” as a small child. Although I could not, and still cannot, remember the day or the event I lived on the “I have been baby baptized” statement until I was in my forties. This allowed me a defense to being immersed in water.

That Sunday morning in 2004, I had read my statement of faith in front of the church congregation. It had outlined why I was choosing to be baptized, how Christ had changed my life and that I finally found my true identity in him. I found I was valued and loved. The shame of my past had been wiped away. Through baptism, I would cement that change and announce the new life I had experienced, proclaiming to the world I was a follower of Christ.

That afternoon, as I was dipped in the waters of the St Croix River in Michigan, my friend and senior pastor announced that in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, I was buried to sin and in Christ raised to new life. That day is permanently etched in my mind and that small silver cross in my armoire, given to me that day by mother, is a regular reminder of who I am and who I belong to.

Now I knew why the tears were forming and why my heart was full of joy and excitement as I watched so many enter and exit the tub of water in the sanctuary at Severn Run. I was seeing other Christ followers proclaiming the same for themselves. They too found their place with Christ. They had accepted and clarified in their minds their identity as members of same family - God’s family. We were now all brothers and sisters in Christ, and that brought me to tears of joy.

What is your baptism story? I hope you can relate to and understand all the aspects of the joy of baptism having accepted your identity in the family of God.

If you have not been baptized and you are ready to take the next step of proclaiming your faith, you can reach out the church staff at https://severnrun.com/contact-us/.

Maybe your story is different and you’ve not yet come to the fully grasp what is being offered to you. If so and you would like make it your story, you can talk to a Christ following friend or any of the Severn Run church staff . You can find a staff contact by emailing Severn Run at https://severnrun.com/contact-us/. One of the team of Severn Run people will respond.

It took me nearly 40 years to finally step into the water. Why did I wait so long? Fear. Being self-conscience. Satan’s lies and more. Finally accepting and understanding my identity in Christ brought me into God’s family then and forever. Will you join me in accepting and proclaiming your place in the family too?

Doubting Greatness

Picture this; Sunday morning, people fill the seats,

Waiting on the pastor’s words of happiness and peace.

But, instead of a message that brings meaning to their lives,

The words coming at them today are somewhat a surprise -

Words that remind them of greatness; of something they’ve never known,

Every syllable slamming against them, painful, almost tearing at their soul.

And there I sat as well, listening, the words eating me away.

Why do words that should encourage make me feel this way?

Making me feel empty, because I know I could be more,

The shoulda, coulda, woulda’s come knocking at my door.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, the message was quite inspiring,

But what I felt behind it, if honest, was just plain tiring.

Because I knew that I had work to do, if I was to embrace this destiny;

The path that God had set me on, which I had strayed entirely.

Why do I feel this way? Why do I dread the path ahead?

Why do I look across this room of dreams, and see only nightmares instead?

Every single person that day, had hopes, and dreams, and gifts

But most of them abandoned that for lack of faith and grit.

For every person near and far is born an empty slate,

Hoping to do something in life that people consider great.

But as the years come rolling in, we accept an unkind truth,

That most in life we’ll shoot for, we’ll miss, so we settle without proof.

We never try for fear of failure, and so fail before beginning.

And on it goes throughout our lives, accepting loss, no hope in winning.

 

But God said..

I know the plans I have for you, the plans to give you peace,

The plans to prosper, love, and hold; my son died for your release.

From the pain and suffering and fear, from doubt and insecurity,

So that nothing in this world could cloud your clarity.

And yet, clouded vision comes, because we lose that faith,

And allow the lies of a dying world to drag us to that place

Where darkness overcomes the light, where death steals every life,

Where happiness is just a dream on a road that’s wrought with strife.

The devil wants to keep us small, to keep us living within limits,

Because he knows the greatness within threatens his very existence.

Maybe not the greatness that we had originally envisioned,

But a greatness that comes from something more - a decision.

A decision to commit our lives to higher, to a God that’s full of love,

To the idea that grace covers everything, from below and from above.

Grace changes everything, and sets us a new path.

No matter how many times we stray, we can always come right back

 

So…

The simple truth is this: that God gave us gifts on purpose,

And even though it’s for his glory, it goes deeper than the surface.

For what you see outside, is not always what’s beneath.

God knows that what we do, ripples beyond our reach.

So each and every day, the choices that we make,

Spread beyond the paths we walk and show His love innate.

Though still I doubt myself, I know that God believes.

And all the gifts I have, are all I’ll ever need…

#MyStory – From Vacation Bible School Attendee to Leader

I grew up attending Vacation Bible School (VBS) every summer as a child, then as a teenager I would help with games or crafts, and now this year I took on my most involved role yet, small group leader. I led one of three groups of 7-year-olds the first week of VBS, and it was amazing. I learned so much from my group of kids, they knew so much more about God and the Bible than I expected.

Allison Fournier, who helped organize the event this year, shared how amazing it was to see God’s hand in the details during VBS. Before the start of week 2, they were lacking enough volunteers to handle the all the kids that would be attending. When Monday morning rolled around and there were plenty of volunteers to handle the children that would be there.

Severn Run breaks VBS up into two weeks, 5-7 year olds week one and 8-11 year olds week two. More than just my class of kids were great at VBS; all the kids were fantastic. Between the two weeks almost 300 kids attended and raised $1100 for the Love Wins House. That is a lot of money when you consider each day the kids are asked to bring different coins. These kids also donated 438 can of pasta sauce for the transformation center.

Most days during small group time I would have a small lesson planned and then a game for the kids, but we never got to the game because my kids were curious and asked so many questions about the stories and Jesus. I was blown away everyday by how much my kids knew and how much more they wanted to learn. It made me so proud to get to be a small part of growing these kids’ faith. The kids at VBS have a love for Jesus and a desire to learn more and that was so amazing to see.

We host VBS every summer in July, so mark your calendars now and plan to get involved next year. Your life will be enriched and uplifted as you serve and share the love of Jesus with the children of our community.