Overcoming a Bad Church Experience
I peered down the bustling hallway that ran next to the Children’s Ministries large group room. The hallway activity included children, parents, and teachers in route to their various classes. It was just before service, a buzz of activity was audible from the large group room as the children. Staff and volunteers gathered for a time of worship, scripture, and teaching before heading to their classrooms.
As I watched, the pit in my stomach would not dissipate, instead it turned to a welling up in my eyes. I quickly walked away before the sadness became evident with the tears waiting to be released. I walked through the church cafe area to the sanctuary of the main gathering thankful for something else on which to focus my mind.
It had been just a few weeks since my role in Children’s Ministry had abruptly ended. The sting was still fresh and I didn’t know what to do with it. My friend and I had, for a number of years, lead the worship and large group sessions. We worked with a worship team of kids, and we creatively presented scripture and taught stories through drama.
I had been expecting the fall to start with the same energy we’d previously put into leading. When we met with the Children’s pastor in early August, the message was completely unexpected.
I loved Pastor Linda*. She had come to our church several years earlier. She was dynamic with high energy, delightful to be around and clearly had a love for children. I had been part of the team that had hired her for the position. Linda’s was also strong-willed and driven, occasionally lacking foresight into the implications of the decisions she made and the effect on her volunteers.
That meeting in August seems surreal. Having expected a planning session, I was set to brainstorm ideas for the fall. Instead my friend and I were quickly informed of a change. I was stunned. Linda shared with much excitement she’s been able to arrange for a music teacher from a nearby community to take over the large group worship time. Linda extolled all the reasons she’d be a wonderful fit for the position. My friend and I would no longer be needed.
The meeting may have lasted 10 minutes or an hour. I have no idea. The rest was a blur. Thoughts included things like, “I didn’t realize we were not doing a good job. Kids were engaged. We were creative. The teaching was always enthusiastic and well prepared.” I quickly realized that the new teacher didn’t even attend our church. She wasn’t even vested in our mission. The conversation left me sad and feeling outcast.
For a very long time, I couldn’t even go near the Children’s Ministry area. Glancing down the hall was enough to leave me depressed and confused. I missed the children, the other leaders and volunteers. I ran into one of the volunteers I had worked with for a very long time. He was happy to see me and inquired, “When are your coming back?”
Didn’t he know? Didn’t everyone know? I’d been fired. It wasn’t my choice to leave.
I didn’t have words. I simply shrugged and quickly walked away.
After a few months, the pain hadn’t subsided and I knew I would either need to take action or continue to resent Linda, the new teacher, and the church. I decided I needed to have a conversation with Linda, being clear on how her change had hurt and dampened my attitude toward the ministry and the church. During this time, I had learned that things had not worked out with the new teacher. She seldom showed up and didn’t produce the amazing teaching that had been planned out.
I scheduled a time to talked with Linda. She was more than happy to do so. With a nervous heart we meet. She greeted me warmly, clearly unaware of the the conversation content I had rehearsed in my mind. I walked through it all and explained my thoughts and feeling. Linda was sincerely surprised and humbly apologized for her action. We chatted and parted ways with a hug, assuring each other we’d move forward. A seemingly simple conversation changed my entire demeanor and perspective on Linda, the church, and myself.
Eventually I returned to my previous role in the ministry. Linda ultimately moved on to a different ministry role and I even later moved to another state. Today she and I remain Facebook friends.
I am grateful for Linda and the conversation we had which allowed me to see pastors and church leaders for what they are – human being just trying to do the next right thing, occasionally making mistakes.
What puts this in an even better perspective is how realizing many of the “greats” in the Bible has made mistakes – from King David, to Abraham, to Peter to many more. There is story after story of mistakes made, sins committed and God’s forgiveness.
One of the most well known prayers of the expectation of forgiveness is in the Lord’s Prayer itself. When Jesus taught us to pray His example included forgiving sins or mistakes of others. We read the prayer in Matthew 6 where verse 12 says, “…and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us.”
What response can we have other than to forgive those who have made mistakes, hurt our feelings or someone else’s, or caused pain to others? When we follow the lead and guidance of God, not only can relationships be healed but we are freed. God knows this about us, his creation, that we need to forgive to live in full freedom and in joy,
If you have had a bad church experience leaving you with a resentment, take action, talk through it, move forward forgiving others and accepting that we all have flaws, sins and make mistakes!
*Name has been changed.