Finding Our True Worth in God
#MYSTORY : BETH FABIANSKI
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” – Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
God performs the most amazing miracles in people’s lives every day. Each of us has probably experienced one without even knowing it. He can take the broken pieces of our lives and form them into a tapestry of great beauty and worth.
Such was my life about a year ago today. I was in the middle of one of the most difficult experiences I had ever been through, the death of my oldest sister, and on the cusp of other hardships that I would endure throughout the coming year. I had just lost about 160 lbs. and remade myself. My sister dying put that into perspective. Not much else mattered when she was gone.
The funeral passed and we settled back into the rhythm of our normal lives. Thanksgiving and Christmas were around the corner. We tried to glide back into the spirit of the holidays, but this year they did not come. I was a changed person, altered by the hole my sister had left in my life and other chasms created by childhood occurrences.
I journaled frequently back then, and one of the stories I chose to borrow from that fall was the story of Joseph. I had related to this story frequently when I was a child. It was reassuring, the way God never left Joseph behind. He took every bad circumstance Joseph was in and made it something beautiful. I wished that God could rewrite the narrative to my life like he did with Joseph!
Before the holidays came, I was gutted, emotionally. I was left a shell of myself just occupying space. I no longer wanted to live, and planned to remove myself from the world. I wrote a letter, explaining this, to my primary doctor, a friend of mine. He received the letter, contacted me and convinced me to go to an emergency room for care. I did this, and began a year-long odyssey that took me through six hospitals for stays of about two weeks each!
For now, I was happy to be home for Christmas. I rang in the New Year at another hospital and finally landed in Norwood Hospital in Massachusetts. There I received electro-convulsive-therapy, or ECT. Unfortunately, I did not understand the side-effects of the treatment well enough. I finished an in-patient course of ECT with my short-term and most of the memories from the past year gone. To this day, I don’t remember being in the hospital, at that point, and I remember none of what came next.
While I was in Norwood, one of my sons let it slip that my husband had lost his job. I didn’t work. We depended on his job for our entire well-being. His bosses were trying to reduce expenses and figured that getting rid of Paul would eliminate a huge amount of expense.
Poor Paul was never even able to mourn the loss of his job. I needed to be comforted and he needed to find a new job. He never got a chance to mourn. He started looking for a new job immediately.
We hoped he would find one that would allow us to stay in Massachusetts. Unfortunately, things did not work out that way for us! We wound up moving to Maryland at the beginning of the next month. While the thought of a new home excited us, leaving our home of many, many years was difficult. Paul and I were forced to leave our home and our three grown children. Everything was brand-new, including the doctors that I would now be forced to see.
All the relationships I had developed over the years were now gone. I had to find and acclimate to new doctors in Maryland. I was not happy. Matter of fact, I made Paul’s task even harder by digging in my heels and being reluctant to go. We did, however!
As we settled in Maryland, I slowly found new doctors and put my trust in them. There are times when you know God has you by the hand and is directing your steps. Because ECT had improved my disposition so much, I decided to chance the memory problems again and subject myself to it. I discovered a hospital that had an ECT program, Johns Hopkins, and they were accepting new people into that program. Everything lined up right and I could enter!
Not only was I accepted into the program, but the doctors at Johns Hopkins cared about my memory difficulties very much. I was assured that they could administer ECT without the catastrophic memory side effects I had experienced at Norwood. I continued in the ECT program, which was far superior to the one in Massachusetts. My mood improved and there was no residual memory loss as there had been in Massachusetts. This was how the treatment was supposed to have worked.
As that fall began, I was feeling renewed! Paul and I joined a wonderful church where we clicked almost immediately. Bible studies began that September, for the fall, and God made sure I knew he was speaking to me once again. I had no idea what they had chosen to study for that fall study series. At the first meeting, it was revealed that we would be studying the story of Joseph. It was a story of how Joseph’s brothers had meant him harm, but God chose to use the circumstances for good, and how he can do that with any circumstances.
The next group I went to had also chosen to study Joseph for the fall! I was being surrounded by God’s message to me through Joseph! God could take the most horrible year I thought I had ever had and turn it into a thing of beauty! Maryland was no longer a punishment, it was our home! I had a job and a church and friends.
I found myself working again, nothing earth-shattering, but a job that allowed me to earn a little of my own money for a change. I didn’t feel as dependent. Through so many situations, God was showing me the worth I had as an individual. It was amazing! I realized that if I didn’t see my own worth, I would be in that constant state of self-loathing and worthlessness. Living with self-worth and love, I could see a future for myself. Just as God had stayed by Joseph’s side throughout his trials in Egypt, he also stayed by my side in Maryland and showed me just how valuable I was to him and to others.
Now God has me here, standing on the threshold of a new life. I don’t find that statement over exaggerated: physically, God has had me renewed at Johns Hopkins and, spiritually, he has remade me himself!
I don’t know where I will go from here; I just know that I am in a state of renewal unlike any I have been in for years and years, if ever. I look forward to my future, I am excited to become all that God has created me to be! I am thankful for all the individuals who have helped me recreate my life and myself.
Know that anyone can recreate themselves with God’s help. Joseph became so much more than he ever imagined he could be. I am happy. This alone is something I never thought I could achieve in this life. Everything that is to come will be frosting on the cake!